


on the empty paper, just two of us (we are drawing together)

by zhujungjungting (runswithchopsticks)



Series: they become my medals [1]
Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, BAEKHO THE REAL SANGNAMJA, Gen, M/M, and nation's producers representative boa, and the legend that is kahi, as canon as I can get this (but i still had to twist some things), justice league ftw, mentions of other trainees, pd101 ruined me, rise nu'est rise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 21:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10750143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runswithchopsticks/pseuds/zhujungjungting
Summary: "But it wounds us more, Jonghyun, when we see our leader suffering like this, blaming himself for things that are not his responsibility, but our own. Things as a result of our own incompetencies, born out of our own faults."It's difficult for Jonghyun to keep his head up when things look impossibly dreary. Nothing ever goes as he anticipates, especially on Produce 101.





	on the empty paper, just two of us (we are drawing together)

**Author's Note:**

> music: 4minute - canvas
> 
> thanks for clicking on this. please enjoy your read. :*

_**start.** _

* * *

When their manager tells them he's going to throw all of them except for Aron onto the new season of Produce 101, Jonghyun wants to know if it's a joke.

In the back of his mind, he already knows the answer. Everybody in the room realizes the seriousness of their manager's words, especially Jonghyun. He knows that they've been failing as a group for the last several years. It’s a vicious downspiralling that constantly threatens to break them apart and throw all of them further into that pit of unending hopelessness.

It's the last ditch effort by their company to make them a success. A success after five, almost six years of failed promotions. 

When all five of them leave the manager’s office, Aron puts his hand on Jonghyun’s shoulder and looks at him solemnly.

“Jonghyun,” he says, his voice quietly serious, “What's going to happen?” Aron’s words trembles slightly.

Jonghyun hears the implication behind Aron’s question.

“Nothing will happen,” he replies, and musters up a reassuring smile. “Minki, Dongho, Minhyun, and I will just go participate on the show, and when it ends we'll return. Back here. _Together_.” He emphasizes the last word.

“But what if somebody… wins?” Aron asks.

Jonghyun lets out a small sigh. He places his hand over Aron’s that still rests on his shoulder, lifting it off and giving a reassuring squeeze. “Don't think about that right now, hyung,” he replies, “We have at least a month left.”

Aron turns away his head. “Okay,” he murmurs.

“How about you just help us prepare, then?” Jonghyun suggests. He doesn't expect that to put Aron’s mind at ease, but it's his responsibility to make sure every member of the group is mentally and emotionally healthy… or, in this case, at least try to make that happen.

He swears he hears Dongho let out a bitter chuckle from behind him. Jonghyun turns his head and glances at him. He'd normally raise an eyebrow and scold Dongho for disrespect, but there's no vexation in his gaze as he looks at the latter.

Dongho’s expression reveals the same frustration and dread that’s creeping in Jonghyun’s chest. There's no fire left in his eyes. Hell, there's no fire left in any of them.

“Okay, Jonghyun,” Aron agrees. “Yeah, I'll do that.”

Jonghyun offers a small smile and nod, before turning around and proceeding to walk down the hallway and towards nowhere in particular.

* * *

Minhyun visits his room the night before they're supposed to leave.

Jonghyun looks up from the spot he'd been staring at on the wall.

“Are you busy?” Minhyun tentatively asks, wrapping himself around the side of the doorway so that Jonghyun could only see the top of his torso and his face.

“No,” Jonghyun quietly answers, and he folds his hands together and continues to stare straight ahead of him.

He hears a pair of socked feet lightly shuffling in his direction. There's a small creak and dip in the mattress as Minhyun sits himself beside Jonghyun.

“What do you think it's going to be like?” Minhyun asks.

“...I have no clue,” Jonghyun replies after a couple of seconds. “I don't want to think too much about it,” he mutters, and Minhyun lets out a soft huff.

The two sit together in brooding silence for a few minutes.

“Sometimes I think about what the others are going to say about us,” Minhyun says carefully, his voice barely above a whisper. “What are we to them? A sad sob story? People to pity? A lost cause?” There's a small lilt in his voice at the end of his words that betrays his irritation.

“Minhyun,” Jonghyun warns softly, “Don't say those things. We still have fans. The manager didn't have us disband and decided to put us on the show instead. That means there's still… hope.” Jonghyun doesn't entirely believe what is coming out of his mouth, but to him there's still a sliver of hope that this plan of the company's will work and they'll all end up happy and successful. After all, their manager looked mildly hopeful as he bore them the news.

Minhyun looks at Jonghyun, and Jonghyun curiously returns his stare. There's a particular sorrow in his eyes that Jonghyun has never seen before. Minhyun was never one to become bitter or sad, instead keeping himself relatively level-headed and leaving emotions to be carried by the rest of the group. It's him and Jonghyun that remain the most reasonable out of their group of five, and Jonghyun has come to appreciate that and rely on Minhyun when he can't keep himself in control.

That's why it pierces his heart to see Minhyun looking at him like that. Instead of Jonghyun seeking him, this time it's the other way around.

“It's hard to think that,” Minhyun replies slowly. “I don't know how you're still optimistic.”

“I'm not leader for nothing,” Jonghyun says, and Minhyun laughs, sourly, at his response.

“Right,” he murmurs, “Mr. Junior-Royal. _The male Kahi.”_ He says those last words with a sharp bitterness in his tone. It's the nickname Jonghyun was given when everybody thought they were on the right track to become as big as After School had.

Jonghyun smiles wistfully. He tilts his head back, looking at the top of his wall, where various posters of other idol groups are displayed proudly above his desk. Groups he and his friends had looked up to for so many years, from when they were naive trainees, to rookies, to now so-called seasoned idols. “Who do you think will be the most popular?” he asks, eyes flitting from poster to poster.

“Minki,” Minhyun replies without hesitation.

“Right,” Jonghyun chuckles. “I don't even know why I asked that.”

Minhyun hums. “Do you ever wonder how you'll do? What the viewers will think about you?” he asks.

Jonghyun takes a second to form his response in his head. Had he really thought about himself at all? Looking back on the past month, he can't recall any particular time he'd wondered about his own reception on the show. It's always been either him pushing himself or someone else to fix something in their audition routine, or him worrying about the ugly wedge driving a crack into all of their happiness that’s suddenly heavily increased its intensity in the past few weeks.

“Not so much. It's not that I don't worry, it's just that I don't worry about myself,” Jonghyun replies.

“Ah,” Minhyun sighs, “I wish I could do that. Not worry about myself. I didn't think I could brood so much over my whole lifetime than I just did during these past few weeks.”

Jonghyun turns and stares at him. “Minhyun,” he begins, “Please don’t worry. You will do great.” His voice is firm. “I'm willing to bet there's no other contestant with strong visuals and simultaneously can sing as well as you can.”

Minhyun blinks at his blunt praise, and he bows he head. “Thank you,” he whispers, and brings his hands up to cover his face. He sighs into his palms. “I… hope that’s how it’s going to be. As of right now, I don't know what I should think any more.”

“You only need to think that everything will turn out alright in the end,” Jonghyun says, softly. He wraps his arms around Minhyun’s torso and pulls him closer. Minhyun’s forehead comes to rest on his shoulder as he returns Jonghyun’s embrace.

“Maybe one of us will win, maybe all of us will win. Maybe none of us will win and we'll come back empty-handed with nothing but the disappointment of our fans and ourselves. But, in the end, when we've all returned, we'll be back together. As a group. Minki, Dongho, Aron, you, and I,” Jonghyun reassures. “We're _not_ going to disband. Not after all these years and after all of our struggles,” he whispers.

“Yes,” Minhyun murmurs into Jonghyun’s shoulder. “Yes,” he repeats, “You are right.” The grip on Jonghyun’s back tightens, the hands there balling up into fists and scrunching together the cotton of his shirt.

They sit like that, arms wrapped around each other, quietly soaking up each other’s comfort for the next few minutes.

Jonghyun can feel Minhyun’s shallow breaths against his shoulder, and when Minhyun lifts up his head he's not surprised when there's a tiny glisten of a tear at the corner of his eye.

Nonetheless, Jonghyun’s chest still hurts at the sight. It hurts him whenever he sees any of his group members distraught to the point of shedding tears, but Minhyun becoming emotional out of all of them meant he was very much in real pain.

“Thank you,” Minhyun whispers, looking at Jonghyun gratefully. His voice has the slight thickness to it that happens when people try to hold back their tears.

“You're welcome,” Jonghyun replies. He retracts his arms and holds Minhyun’s hands between his palms. His fingers are cold, but they begin to warm up as Jonghyun grips them tightly.

“We're all going to be all right. Nu’est will continue to live.”

“Yes,” Minhyun nods, and Jonghyun smiles painfully at him.

* * *

Dongho takes the longest to adapt.

Jonghyun could've seen it coming that he'd struggle. Even after a month of preparation, he shakes like it's the first time he's auditioned for a company.

Their manager should have just left him at home with Aron, Jonghyun thinks. Dongho isn't a person meant to flourish under extremely high pressure. He's quite the opposite, Jonghyun knows. Dongho is the one that mellows down the rest of the group, the one that generally keeps his thoughts quiet and his words soft. He trails behind the rest of them and says it's his responsibility to keep watch from the back, but it's more like he wants to avoid throwing himself headfirst into anything risky. Out of lack of confidence, or out of his own cautious nature, Jonghyun is never quite sure.

Sadly, his nerves never go down. The guy doesn't relax even when it's not their turn yet to go on the stage.

“Dongho,” Jonghyun says, leaning over.

Dongho looks at him. “Y-Yes?” he replies.

“You can't be so tense,” Jonghyun says. Dongho’s position even while sitting in his chair is rigid. Stiff, almost robotic-like. It betrays his sense of anxiety. “You're our main vocalist… it won't be good if there's a… mistake.”

Dongho winces slightly at his words.

“Yah, Jonghyun, don't say that. We don't need any more pressure,” Minki hisses.

“I'm sorry,” Jonghyun replies, glancing at Minki. He brings his hand up to rub the back of his neck. “I'm sorry, Dongho. I just don't want anything to happen. All of us need to relax. We won't be able to perform well with tense shoulders and closed throats.”

Dongho looks at him. He nods slowly. “I know,” he answers quietly, “I'll try to relax.”

Jonghyun musters up a smile. He turns back to face the stage, and he bows his head and sighs.

A warm hand comes to rest on his knee.

Looking up, Minhyun has leaned over. His expression reflects the nervousness that everyone seems to be radiating, but there's a strained smile on his face as he gazes at Jonghyun.

“What ever happened to what you told me last night?” he asks. “I know I'm not exactly in the place to say it, but… please don't worry, Jonghyun. When the leader worries, everyone worries.”

“Minhyun…” Jonghyun begins.

“After all, this audition is not the determining factor of whether or not someone succeeds on this show. Even if we all do terribly, and the rest of the trainees and Korea think we're useless, at least we will have garnered attention. Likely enough of it to make something good happen.”

Jonghyun nods. “You're right,” he says. That’s the whole point of why their company decided upon this plan in the first place.

Minhyun squeezes his knee. “Keep your head up, Jonghyun,” he says, “We rely on you.”

Jonghyun nods solemnly.

Minhyun has already retracted himself back to his original position in his seat, but his words still reverberate in Jonghyun’s mind.

* * *

Dongho doesn’t look any less tense than he had been almost an hour ago when they were sitting in the chairs on the giant pyramid.

Jonghyun is now most definitely worried, despite his attempts to ignore the situation (Dongho will be _just fine,_  he mentally thinks, but doesn’t fully believe), and he keeps on glancing at Dongho as they wait backstage. He has trust in Dongho’s skills; he’s an excellent vocalist, and he carries himself like a real performer on stage, as if he’s not just the vocalist, but he’s the dancer, the rapper, and the leader too.

But Dongho flails under tension. It’s not as easy for him to perform at his best when he knows millions of eyes are not only watching, but _judging_ and _expecting_ too. Expecting some extraordinary performance because they’re supposed to be seasoned pros at this thing, and getting A rank is easy, right?

Jonghyun closes his eyes, his hands folded together in front of him. He slowly opens them after a few seconds, and waits, silently. Minki, standing next to him, is trying his best to ease Dongho. Dongho is nodding at the words Minki feeds him, looking down at the ground and wringing his hands together.

It’s not working, Jonghyun can tell, but he is grateful that Minki is empathetic, able to quickly pick up the distress of any one of them, and tries his best to help and comfort. He sends a mental thank you to his friend.

When a staff member comes up to them and tells them it’s time to get up on the stage, Jonghyun lets out a deep sigh and pushes his way to the head of the group. He leads them into a flood of fluorescent lighting, stepping up the few blue-paneled stairs that mimic the pattern of the stage floor, where they stand, Jonghyun at the front and the others gathered to the side and back of him, beginning to heat under the eyes of the judges and the hushed whispers and observant looks of their peers.

Jonghyun scans the boys sitting on the pyramid, watching their reactions carefully before moving his gaze down to the judges. His eyes flit from judge to judge, starting at the left and working his way right.

He stops right after Boa.

Kahi meets his gaze, although only for a second, before turning away in her chair.

She brings her hand up to her mouth, looking away from their group. Her head is faced down, hair shielding her face from Jonghyun’s gaze. She takes her hands up to her eyes, beginning to lightly dab the corners with her fingers. Jonghyun knows she’s tearing up.

Frankly, he feels like he would too at any moment. Seeing Kahi after all these years sends a wave of nostalgia over him.

Once, they were equals.

Once, Kahi was his good friend. She was a handful of years older than him, and debuted just a short time after he’d entered the company. But when it was announced that Jonghyun would be the leader of Pledis’s new group, and that he would hold the exact same roles as Kahi, he automatically looked up to her for advice -- she was someone that would be able to share her experiences with him and help him drive his group towards success in the same direction as she had driven hers.

But now, Kahi is no longer in the same place that Jonghyun had last seen her. She’s now one of the few that’s able to influence the fate of he and his group members.

Jonghyun wants to turn away, but he doesn’t. He holds his ground and looks straight ahead at the judges.

He can sense Minhyun wavering next to him. Glancing from the corner of his eye, Jonghyun sees that he looks like he wants to say something--he’s probably noticed the rigidity of Jonghyun’s stance--but their mics are attached and activated, so he settles for lightly brushing Jonghyun’s arm with his hand.

After Kahi has managed to push away her tears, they’re allowed to begin their song.

Everything goes off without a hitch -- that is, Jonghyun is holding his breath (as long as he doesn’t have to sing or rap) the whole time, internally praying that their performance would be okay. He doesn’t want to disappoint himself, his fans, the other trainees, and although he doesn’t directly think it, he doesn’t want to disappoint Kahi. It feels to him that by holding his breath he’s holding together their whole performance.

And then when he’s about to take in a huge breath, partially because they’re reaching the climax of the song and thus nearing the end, partially because he’s getting a little light-headed from lack of air, something goes awry.

He could have predicted it, he realizes.

Dongho had been unstable all morning, all afternoon, all through the performance so far. He holds his mic awkwardly, the trembles in his hands so intense that they spread throughout his body and affect his movements. Out of the corner of his eye, Jonghyun could see that if not plagued by his shaky limbs, Dongho’s movements were much stiffer than he’d ever seen while they were practicing. He kept watch on his friend throughout the whole time, and it almost looked like they were going to push through with no mistakes.

Almost.

It feels to him that in those few seconds, they slow down to a few minutes.

He sees Dongho grimacing at himself, reaching up a hand to tug at the wire of his earpiece and successfully pulling out the device.

He doesn’t want to hear himself sing, Jonghyun realizes.

It’s the sign that Dongho knows he’s going to make a mistake. Jonghyun sees it, and a sense of dread climbs up his stomach in that split second as he realizes where in the song they’re approaching.

He wishes he could do something about it, but he doesn’t have the range nor key that Dongho does, and there’s no way he’d have time to react.

Dongho opens his mouth, bringing the mic closer to his lips, and he throws his voice out into the air.

Everyone can hear it -- there’s nothing particularly strong or powerful in Dongho’s note; at least, certainly nothing compared to what Jonghyun’s heard before.

And it’s quite inevitable that Dongho’s voice breaks halfway through in an awkwardly shrill choke.

He recovers as quickly as he had failed. The other three act like nothing went wrong, choosing to go about their routine as they normally would. Jonghyun sees the glances of surprise on some of the audience members’ faces, and he bites his tongue to disguise the displeasure on his face.

He watches Dongho carefully the rest of their performance. The man is expressionless the whole time, as if he’s completely voided of all of his emotion. Jonghyun knows that it means Dongho is angry at himself; the slightly frustrated way he stomps through the rest of the dance betrays his feelings. He never chooses to put his earpiece back into his ear, and instead just lets it dangle from its wire, hitting the side of his neck constantly.

As expected, their reception is terrible.

Three of them are shuffled into D rank, while Minhyun gets a C.

Jonghyun cannot help but hang his head as they’re moved backstage to receive their letter stickers.

Minhyun approaches him from behind and places a hand on his shoulder.

“Jonghyun…” he begins.

“It’s terrible,” Jonghyun bluntly states.

“I know,” Minhyun murmurs, “But it’s not the worst thing that could happen yet.”

Jonghyun turns and lifts his head, meeting Minhyun’s gaze.

“That’s right,” he says, and sighs. “But how aren’t you frustrated? We’re all… Ds… and you’re a C… it’s degrading,” he mutters.

“Hey, Jonghyun,” Minhyun begins, “There’s still going to be a re-evaluation part. There’s still time to redeem ourselves. And besides… the letter doesn’t mean everything. It makes us look bad, for sure. It pairs us with people that have little to no experience at all, people who both are nowhere near ready to debut and way past their time to debut. But there’s also people who have been placed here because of all the wrong reasons and wrong luck.” Minhyun stares at him, his tone and expression serious. “People like us.”

At that moment, Jonghyun brings a hand up to his face because he can feel that pit of emotion he’s pushed down to the bottom of his stomach begin to rise up again and claw at his throat. Minhyun’s words are very correct, but it’s still been the most difficult for him to maintain his sense of hope after they’ve actually entered the filming grounds and been scrutinized under the eyes of strangers. Not just any strangers, but strangers that could have a profound effect on their lives.

Minhyun grabs his wrist, bringing his hand off of his face. “Keep your head up, Jonghyun,” he says, and he drops his wrist and swings an arm around Jonghyun’s shoulders.

“Let’s go catch up with Minki and Dongho,” he says, and Jonghyun nods.

“Thanks, Minhyun,” he says, and Minhyun laughs softly.

“A group relies on their leader to keep them up in times of difficulty, but a leader without the support of his group is not a leader at all,” Minhyun murmurs.

Jonghyun smiles at his words.

* * *

Returning to their seats is tense. Jonghyun can practically smell it in the air.

Dongho is still shaky, although it seems his nerves have relaxed slightly. His expression is still the same -- emotionless and quiet, but Jonghyun knows that means he’s irritated. Minki keeps on glancing back and forth between them, like he wants to say something to either one of them, but he decides to keep silent and lean back in his chair.

Is Jonghyun disappointed? Yes. But his disappointment is not directed at Dongho.

It’s directed at himself.

As he watches the rest of the trainees perform, he carefully folds his arms as to cover the large “D” on his name sticker. He feels a little better when Boa announces there’s only a total of seven trainees who end up in A, although there’s still that thought in the back of his mind that all four of them could’ve done better.

* * *

They’re separated into dorms based upon their ranking.

He gets to stick with Minki and Dongho, thank goodness; Jonghyun is a quieter person, not able to charm others to instantly be his friend as easily as people like Jisung or Moonbok (he sometimes thinks it’s only his stage persona that gets him any attention, especially from the girls). He doesn’t share a room with either one of his group members, but Jonghyun feels he can adjust to it. The trainees that room with him are kind, and they respect him and occasionally come to ask him for advice.

The more difficult aspect of living in the dorms, Jonghyun realizes, is that he’s unable to find Minhyun easily.

It’s not that Minhyun is the closest to him (Minki likes to say that spot’s reserved for him, although then again Minki clings onto _everyone)_  and that they’re best friends or anything like that; it’s just that Minhyun is the one person Jonghyun feels most comfortable approaching when there’s something troubling him.

And as of right now, a lot of things trouble Jonghyun. It’s not like he can write them down in the journal Mnet has given him -- those things are going to be aired on TV one day or later. There’s no one else that shares a room with him that he feels like he’d be able to speak freely with; maybe he could try that one Taiwanese kid who doesn’t speak Korean well and likes to keep to himself (his only buddy is in F, and Jonghyun feels sorry for him), because then again it’s not like he’ll understand a lot of what Jonghyun’s saying.

But Jonghyun just shakes his head, rolls over in his bed to face the wall, and buries himself deeper under his blankets. He tries to imagine what Minhyun would say to him if he were actually there and able to hear Jonghyun’s thoughts.

* * *

Jonghyun has absolutely no problem keeping up with the D class singing and dancing training for _Naya Na._  Dancing especially comes easily to him.

Unfortunately, that's not so much the case for Dongho.

He watches his friend from afar as he struggles to learn his steps, always making a mistake whether it be with misplaced footwork, bad timing, or he just simply doesn't look like he's capable of putting in the effort to improve.

Kahi even calls him out on it.

“Dongho!” she cries, staring at his reflection in the mirror. “What are you doing?”

“I…” Dongho begins, but he's completely lost for words. Even he doesn't know what he's doing.

Jonghyun watches their interaction with a disheartened look on his face. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Minki standing across the room. Although he's far away, Jonghyun can see the tension in Minki’s shoulders and the rigidity of his gaze.

Minki turns away his face. His eyes meet Jonghyun’s for a second, and they both share an equal amount of grief.

* * *

Dongho never manages to improve his dancing. His singing is mediocre; his natural vocal range fits the high key of _Naya Na,_ and Jonghyun _knows_ that he’d be able to do it. But it always seems like Dongho just doesn’t try, and he wallows in his corner the majority of the time they have for practice.

It gets to the point where Jonghyun intentionally ignores looking in Dongho’s direction because he can’t stand it, and he can’t do anything but watch Dongho drowning and mentally pray that his fighting spirit picks up sooner or later -- but preferably, _now._

Re-evaluations are the next day. Jonghyun feels ready for himself, but he doesn’t know about his friends. Minki looks like he’s going to be able to handle it--he smiles when Jonghyun asks how his practice is going--even though he hasn’t spoken to Minhyun in days, he trusts him to perform at his best. And it’s already too late to do anything for Dongho.

Jonghyun shuts his eyes and wills himself to sleep. He’s going to push himself to an A rank tomorrow, and that’s going to require him to be well-rested.

* * *

He is to film his re-evaluation after almost every other person in his level has done so.

Jonghyun huddles himself at the edge of the giant mob of boys sitting on the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on the tops of his knees. He peers up at the middle of the room through his bangs, watching each boy one by one record their dancing and singing.

It’s the D level group, so it’s expected that a lot of them are very, very short of stellar. Forgetting the dance, forgetting the lyrics, singing off-key, dancing improperly. There’s a slew of faults and Jonghyun empathizes with the disappointed and disheartened looks the other trainees give when they step off of the camera’s range of view.

Dongho stands up after the previous boy returns back to his seat on the floor. Jonghyun lifts his head up, watching Dongho’s movements intently.

He stands right in front of the camera and introduces himself.

Jonghyun takes a deep breath as the music begins playing.

There’s a small part of him that hoped Dongho would show up all the other trainees, suddenly having improved drastically from his performance in practice from the last few days. Dongho is entirely capable of that; the song is no problem for him to sing compared to the whole majority of all the trainees, and dancing isn’t an obstacle for him despite the fact that he’s a vocalist.

But, alas, Jonghyun’s hopes aren’t met, and Dongho flops within the first thirty seconds. He wallows through the introduction of the song sloppily and as he reaches the chorus his feet trip and his voice falters and fades into nothing. He barely tries to recover himself, and stands there while murmuring the rest of the lyrics, his voice barely audible above the background music while moving his limbs in a largely half-hearted fashion (but Jonghyun thinks it looks like Dongho has just given up).

Jonghyun averts his eyes from the scene and instead chooses to stare at the floor in front of him.

He only lifts his head when it’s Minki’s turn to film.

And to his chagrin, Minki does as badly--if not even worse--as Dongho did. Except, Jonghyun has to give him credit that he stepped in front of the camera with confidence, but his nerves manage to catch up to him in only a short time. Minki is able to sing at the high key that _Naya Na_ needs (albeit with strain and difficulty), despite him being a sub-vocalist -- but he forgets the lyrics and freezes up, his movements stopping abruptly as he just stares at the camera and licks his lips in nervousness.

Jonghyun can’t bear it anymore. He covers his face with his hands, doing his best to will away the dejection that pains in his chest and the inevitable prickle of tears balling up at the corner of his eyes that blur the edges of his vision.

He’s failed them.

He’s failed them, as their leader and their friend. He is the _leader_ , someone who must aid his group in difficult times. Someone they are supposed to rely on to _help_ them. But instead, he chose to turn his attention away. It wounded him every day watching Dongho struggle and seeing Minki slough through practice not like he wants to, but because he _has_ to, and he could not bring himself to do anything but shy away from the view and instead focus on himself -- of course, his ultimate goal is to get an A rank, but isn’t that interest commonly held between all three of them, and thus shouldn’t Jonghyun have done _something_ for the group?

He sighs. He’s simultaneously ended up setting them all up for failure.

Jonghyun lays his forehead on his knees and wraps his arms tighter around himself. He does not come out of his position for the next few re-evaluations.

The disappointment in himself has morphed into anger by the time it’s come for his turn to film.

When he stands in front of the camera, he looks directly into its lens and begins to speak. His voice is strong and clear, but he feels his words very slightly tremble as he struggles to keep his tone neutral.

And when the music begins to play, he blasts through the choreography like his life depends on it. The footwork and body movements are already embedded in his muscle memory, but the newfound determination bred from his anger fuels the strength he puts into his movements. If Dongho and Minki are going to be demoted, then Jonghyun is going to make sure that’s not the path he’s headed down as well. Imagine how ironically sad it’d be if all three of them were to perform terribly in their re-evaluations.

He’s run out of breath to sing when he is halfway through the chorus, as when your brain is filled with all these mixed emotions it’s not easy to focus on breath management and pacing your energy. Instead, he just mouths the words as he moves, his voice coming out in a breathy rasp, somewhere between a whisper and a pant.

Jonghyun manages to finish the choreography successfully. Glaring at the camera in his ending pose, he slowly collects himself and stands up. He bows once, before striding out of the camera’s view and back to his seat.

The rest of the trainees give him a round of light applause.

He smiles at them gracelessly, his chest heaving with each breath and sweat beading at his temples.

* * *

It's two days later that they're sorted into their new ranks based upon their re-evaluation performances.

Jonghyun is both content and disappointed at his new rank. The red encircled “B” on his profile card stares up at him, and he stares back at it, scrunching together his eyebrows.

He was aware that because he couldn't sing _Naya Na_ even mediocrely while dancing, it was extremely unlikely he'd land in A. It was his dancing that got him to a B, he realizes. That should be what he expects, because dance is one of his specialties.

But Jonghyun craved to see the “A” next to his name. He sighs -- it’s not like he can do anything about it now, so he closes his profile card and crosses together his legs and watches the rest of the trainees receive their cards.

Once they've all been handed out, the boys from all ranks that have moved to F are the first ones to go.

Jonghyun looks around at his peers, watching to see who would stand up.

Minki gets up slowly, brushing himself off before twisting his lips in an embarrassed grimace and quickly moving himself to the door. He slips out almost without any sound. Dongho remains, however, and Jonghyun feels mildly grateful along with the guilt that hit him when he saw Minki leave.

The boys that were sorted into D are the ones to move next. There's no one currently in the room that moves, but instead they receive new additions. First it's a trio of pretty boys, three out of the five from the one Chinese company. They're gathered closely together, one's arm slung over the other's shoulders while he has his arm linked with the third.

Jonghyun feels sorry that they all got demoted, but he is a bit envious that at least they're together.

A large handful of trainees continue to shuffle in. He occasionally lifts his head to see who the new addition is, but he always only gives hardly a look as it's not someone surprising.

That is, until the door opens again for the umpteenth time, and Jonghyun glances at the newcomer.

He's instantly taken aback as he recognises the face attached to a pair of long legs.

Jonghyun opens his mouth instantly, about to shout out, but he stops himself barely in time, clamping his lips together.

Minhyun runs his hand through his hair awkwardly as he scans the room.

He finds an empty space on the floor, all the way across the room from Jonghyun, and proceeds to shuffle to that spot.

As he's walking, his gaze meets Jonghyun’s stare. At this point, Jonghyun’s mouth has opened itself again, but no words come out. He's completely frozen.

Minhyun looks at him with his eyes filled with regret.

It sends another pang of hurt and guilt reverberating in Jonghyun’s chest.

 _No,_ he wants to cry, _What happened? Why are you here?_ _Go back to where you came from._

Minhyun turns his face away from Jonghyun. As if he were trying to apologize, he shakes his head twice and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck.

Jonghyun covers his eyes with his hands. He then buries his head in his arms and drowns himself in his own loathing until it’s his time to change rooms.

* * *

Boa announces they will begin their team song battle a week later, after their M!Countdown performance and A rank’s battle for center.

They're all lined up on a giant set of stairs, sorted by their ranks. Jonghyun stands on the second step, where the rest of the B-level trainees are.

“After a team is created, their leader will be able to draw a trainee’s name from this box to determine who picks a team next,” Boa says. The boys _ooh_ and _ahh_ at her words. “But who will pick first?” she asks. “What's the most important role here in Produce 101?”

“Center!” they call out, and Boa smiles.

“We'll start with Brand New Music’s Lee Daehwi,” she says, and the boys clap for Daehwi as he steps out in the center of the room and takes the mic from Boa.

As expected, most of the A rank boys and those who are high in polls are picked quickly. They are moving onto the third or fourth team and the leader of the previous pick pulls out a capsule from the box next to him.

He unravels the paper encased inside it, and reads its name.

“Hwang Minhyun,” he says. Minhyun startles for a second as his name is called, but he smiles and weaves his way down the steps to take the mic from the other trainee.

Jonghyun watches intently, curious as to who Minhyun would pick. Minhyun is intelligent to the point of sly on occasion, so he would choose his team wisely. Jonghyun wonders who would fall under Minhyun’s category of a smart pick.

Minhyun chooses the remaining two A rank boys, Kang Daniel and Ong Seongwoo, which is not unexpected at all, as both of them are skilled and popular amongst viewers. He later also chooses Kwon Hyunbin, the YGK+ model with a lisp and raw clumsiness in both his movements and his expressions; Jonghyun briefly wonders why Minhyun would pick such a guy, but he remembers that Hyunbin has been gaining speed in the ranking poll and the boy has an undying perseverance to make up for his (severe) lack of skill.

Minhyun gets to his last pick, the 6th spot in his group. He hesitates for a second, scanning the trainees standing in front of him. His eyes move back and forth across the group multiple times, before his gaze settles as he's found what he's looking for.

He smiles as he opens his mouth. “And B-rank’s Kim Jonghyun,” he says into the mic, and Jonghyun lifts his head up suddenly at Minhyun’s words.

The trainees around him all turn to look in his direction. He carefully steps off the stairs and approaches the center of the room, heading to his place 6th in the line of boys next to Minhyun.

As he walks across the room, he glances at Minhyun.

Minhyun is staring at him with an expression hard to read. It's not sorrow, regret, or even happiness. To Jonghyun, it most similarly resembles relief.

He takes his spot in the line. Minhyun pulls a capsule from the box next to him, reads a name, and hands the mic to another trainee. Their team is moved back onto a different set of steps. While they're walking, Jonghyun keeps his eyes fixated directly in front of him, never turning his head to glance at his team members behind him.

* * *

As a group, they decide their first choice song would be Super Junior's _Sorry Sorry_ or 2PM’s _10 Out of 10._ Jonghyun think it fits their image very well, as their group as a whole has a rather manlier but polished look. Something gentle and pretty like _Replay_ might be odd, and something like _Mansae_ feels too young for them.

Minhyun gets to race for the song name sign.

He's not a particularly fast runner,  but he's not slow either -- unfortunately, he doesn't make it back to the starting line in time, thus rendering his group unable to choose their opponent.

However, they're the last team remaining to be chosen as an opponent (Daehwi wants to call his group the new Avengers Team, but the trainees whisper and say the real Avengers is Minhyun’s group), but they get their first song pick of _Sorry Sorry_ anyway. It's against a team Jonghyun thinks of as “easy”, since they're basically made up of the Cube newbie Seonho and a slew of trainees ranging from unknown to mildly popular.

The two groups are ushered to where their song post has been moved. His group sits down on the floor, and they're given pens, a clipboard containing the form to fill out each member's position, and an iPad.

Jonghyun has his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. Minhyun sits to his left and leans slightly so that he and Jonghyun brush arms.

“Congratulations on the B,” Minhyun says softly, as if gauging what Jonghyun’s reaction would be.

“Thank you,” Jonghyun replies, and he gives Minhyun a small smile.

Minhyun has probably anticipated Jonghyun being irate at his drop in rank, but Minhyun doesn't know his anger was never directed at him. But of course, he still has that feeling of wanting to shake Minhyun and ask him, _what the hell were you doing?_ lingering in the back of his mind, but right now is not the time to do so.

He smiles, because he's happy he gets to see and speak with his friend after a period of separation.

Apparently the first thing his group wants to choose is the leader for the song. Jonghyun keeps quiet. He doesn't care particularly who gets that role, as he thinks all the boys there are capable (with the exception of Hyun Bin).

It's when Minhyun pipes up, “You should do it,” that Jonghyun glances up in surprise and sees Minhyun looking at him.

“What...me?” he asks, and Minhyun nods.

“I think Jonghyun should be leader,” Minhyun appeals to their group, “He has the experience and the character to be a great leader.”

Jonghyun looks from Minhyun to their group and then vice versa. _No,_ he wants to say, _Not me. Please not me._ He's basically an utter failure at being the leader of Nu’est, and if he were leader of this team and they lost the mission he doesn't know what he'd think or feel.

But his team members seem to be agreeing with Minhyun.

Minhyun looks at him, and nudges his arm. “Only if you want to,” he says gently. Jonghyun knows Minhyun wouldn't take it personally if he were to reject the opportunity. But the way Minhyun looks at him is full of hope and anticipation, but most importantly, trust.

It sends a twinge of happiness in his chest -- the first feeling of actual joy he’s experienced in weeks. He lets out a small sigh.

“Well…” he begins, looking down at his feet, “Okay, I'll do it.”

His teammates cheer, and Minhyun claps for him.

They sing him an initiation song as the “leader” sticker is placed on the Produce 101 triangle on his sweatshirt.

* * *

Minhyun helps him by dragging his haphazardly zipped-up and squashed suitcase behind him while Jonghyun carries his duffel, for the entryway into the dorm room is narrow. The staff team has allowed them to reshuffle their living arrangements so that teams are able to share dorm rooms instead of being sorted by rank.

The rest of their group members are off either in the dance studio or in practice rooms. Jonghyun is the last to move in, and Minhyun volunteered to help move his things.

“It’s been so long,” Minhyun says, his words barely audible, and Jonghyun glances behind him curiously.

“So long since what?” he asks. Minhyun stares at him, a completely unreadable expression on his face.

“I feel silly for saying it, but it’s been so long since I’ve actually gotten to have time to have an actual conversation with you, Jonghyun,” Minhyun replies, and Jonghyun lets out a huff before a smile tugs at his lips.

“It’s okay, Minhyun,” he says, “I actually feel the same way. It’s been weeks, hasn’t it?” Yes, he’d been wanting to confide with his friend ever since they’d arrived in the dorms. But there’s never enough time, too many people, mics and cameras everywhere, or any combination of all three. He’s written down all he wants to say down on a notepad in his imagination, but its pages are becoming so cramped with writing that sometimes Jonghyun becomes frustrated when he’s by himself.

“Yeah,” Minhyun hums, “It was kind of weird to not be able to go out of my room and only have to turn and walk a few steps down the hallway before saying, ‘Oh look, I found Jonghyun’.”

Jonghyun almost laughs -- man, it’s been what feels like years since he’s gotten the urge to laugh. He turns around and looks at Minhyun. “Which bed is supposed to be mine?” he asks.

“The back one,” Minhyun points out, “The one on the top. I’ll be just below you.”

“Okay,” Jonghyun says, and he shuffles over to place his bag at the foot of the bunk’s ladder. Minhyun sets down his suitcase next to it, and Jonghyun collapses himself gratefully on the bed next to him. He reaches out his arms and feet, stretching the sore muscles in his back and thighs.

“That’s my bed,” Minhyun points out. Jonghyun glances at him, raising an eyebrow. “I’m tired,” he says, “Let your leader rest.”

Minhyun almost rolls his eyes. “Okay,” he complies, “But at least move over so I can sit down.”

Jonghyun obeys and rolls over to leave a spot just wide enough for Minhyun to sit down.

The mattress dips with Minhyun’s weight, and Jonghyun lifts himself up and crawls over to sit directly next to Minhyun.

He sighs -- there’s a lot he wants to say, but he just doesn’t know how and when the words would come out of his mouth.

“Long day?” Minhyun asks quietly, and Jonghyun nods, looking down at his feet.

“Every day,” he replies.

Minhyun stays quiet for another minute before he speaks again.

“I can’t imagine how I’d handle being you,” he murmurs, quietly, “You’re really brave, Jonghyun, you know that?”

“What?” Jonghyun asks, surprised at Minhyun’s words. “Why would you say that?”

Minhyun sighs heavily. “Remember when we were watching the finished version of episode two a day or two ago?” he asks, and Jonghyun nods. “I don’t know what I’d do if I saw Dongho just giving up like that, and Minki being pushed down to F,” he says, his voice barely a whisper. “I basically cried watching it, Jonghyun. I don’t know how you can be so brave and not break into tears.”

Jonghyun looks at Minhyun sitting next to him. The thin amount of light escaping the filtering of the blinds of the window next to Minhyun frame his face oddly, and they emphasize the shadows beneath his eyes, the dips and rises of his cheeks, the curve of his nose. Minhyun notices Jonghyun staring at him, and he raises his head to meet Jonghyun’s gaze.

“I’m not brave, Minhyun,” Jonghyun whispers back, for even though there’s no one else in the room, he feels he has to keep his voice low, as his words are only intended for Minhyun’s ears. “Just because I didn’t cry doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel like I was going to. It was terrible, watching those two suffer like that.”

Jonghyun brings a hand up rub at his eyes. “And you too, Minhyun,” he adds. “You really threw me for a loop there when you walked into our D-level practice room. If anything, I thought you’d be the one to get an A out of all four of us. What were you doing?”

Minhyun looks away from him. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, “I don’t… I don’t know. I thought I was going to do great, but it just… happened. Everything just left my head and evaporated during filming.”

“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun whispers, “I’m sorry about that.”

Minhyun looks at him solemnly. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” he replies, and Jonghyun shakes his head.

“No, I do,” Jonghyun says, “I’m the leader. I should have done something. Minki and Dongho did terribly because of me -- I didn’t even bother to help them practice. And now you’re stuck at a D level and it’s my fault too. I’m a failure as the leader -- I only thought about myself, and as a result everybody but me is at ranks worse than where we started.” He pauses. “You know, in the first place, maybe if our audition was better, maybe if I had done something _different_ in our practices -- maybe we all wouldn’t be such a silly mess as a group and suffer all this negative reception from everyone. Maybe if--”

“Jonghyun.” Minhyun interrupts him abruptly, grabbing Jonghyun’s shoulders roughly and turning his torso to face him. “Jonghyun, stop talking. Don’t say those things,” he says, his lips twisted and eyebrows scrunched in an expression of combined pain and sorrow.

Jonghyun’s chest heaves for air, as a result of his sudden tangent. His stomach is turning over and over itself as his heartbeat flutters, because that ugly thing they call grief is starting to overcome his mind as all the negative things he’s been so desperately trying to block or keep under control for the past few weeks floods his thoughts.

“Jonghyun, Jonghyun,” Minhyun whispers his name, almost like a mantra, “Don’t blame yourself. Don’t…” he trails off. Minhyun’s hands move up from his shoulders to hold his face, so Jonghyun’s head is unable to turn away as they stare at each other, eye-to-eye.

“Don’t take responsibility for things that are inevitable. Don’t say those things that will only hurt yourself in the end,” Minhyun says, “All of us, all four of us are in unlucky situations where the odds don’t look like they're in our favor. But it wounds us more, Jonghyun, when we see our leader suffering like this, blaming himself for things that are not his responsibility, but our own. Things as a result of our own incompetencies, born out of our own faults.” Minhyun squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, before opening them and rapidly blinking. His hands tremble against Jonghyun’s skin. It pierces Jonghyun’s heart to see Minhyun like this, completely and utterly emotionally vulnerable and barely managing to pick himself up and carry himself with the calm, collected dignity he’s known for.

He peers deeply into Minhyun’s eyes -- his pupils are an intense black, almost shiny to the point of oily in the dim light of the room. Jonghyun opens his mouth to speak, but Minhyun beats him to it.

“You have done nothing for us but the best, Jonghyun,” Minhyun whispers, “We could never have asked for a better person to be our leader. I can’t imagine living the past six years being in a group with a leader who isn’t _you_. If it were up to me to choose a different path for our group, but with someone else as our leader, I wouldn’t do so. Even despite our struggles, even despite the huge chance that we’ll fail, I’ll always choose to be in a Nu’est with you. Dongho, Minki, Aron, and I… we’re all barely holding it together by a thread, but the reason we’ve survived for so long and still fight to be together as a team is because of _you_ , Jonghyun. You’ve helped us keep it together. It’s you…”

Minhyun’s voice breaks off, his hands shaking so violently against Jonghyun’s face. He’s leaned so close in that Jonghyun can feel the trembles of Minhyun’s breaths against his lips and completely drown himself in Minhyun’s dark stare.

“Don’t hurt yourself, Jonghyun,” Minhyun whispers again, “And don’t hurt me, either.”

One of his hands slides past to the back of Jonghyun’s head, gripping his hair as he pulls him just a little bit closer, their lips meeting together in an almost violent rush. Jonghyun closes his eyes, his hands finding their way around to Minhyun’s back, and he grabs at the cotton of his sweatshirt tightly. Minhyun’s lips are rough, chapped, and they tremble against Jonghyun’s own, mirroring the way their breaths shakily intermingle.

Jonghyun swears his heart almost physically hurts, as he feels like he’s being punched repeatedly in the chest with a variety of emotions. There’s sadness, frustration, anger, hope, disappointment, relief, hopelessness, grief, bitterness, happiness -- a plethora of things he’s able to pick out one by one, having familiarized himself with all of them in the roller coaster that’s been the last two months. However, there’s one feeling that’s strange, almost unnatural to him, that he’s never experienced before.

Minhyun pulls away after a few seconds, his hands still gripping Jonghyun’s jaw and his hair. His breathing is erratic and heavy, almost to the point of panting. As Jonghyun opens his eyes, he sees a whole reel of emotions fly across Minhyun’s face. He settles on one in the end, however, and an expression of remorse and regret pans across his features.

“I’m--” he begins, but Jonghyun cuts him off as he joins their lips together again, pulling and gripping at Minhyun’s sweatshirt with the same level of ferocity that mirrors the rush of adrenaline in his veins.

As Jonghyun closes his eyes again, he briefly mentally studies the unknown emotion that’s flooding his chest, which soon overpowers the remaining violent surge of emotions that threaten to rise in his throat and spill out of eyes and lips in the forms of tears and choked sobs.

He doesn’t know if it’s an emotion he’s slowly come to learn over the course of six years, or that it’s only just recently begun to bud inside him like the new petals of the spring’s first flowers, or if it’s a beast hidden inside him that only chooses to awaken when its treasure is threatened.

But as Jonghyun pulls Minhyun as close as he can and grips him so viciously and roughly, holding onto him like he’s his lifeline, he decides that the closest thing that unknown emotion resembles is that of love.

* * *

_**fin.** _  


**Author's Note:**

> as I directly quote S, "i feel like u kicked me in the chest,, thx", I feel like I kicked myself in the chest too
> 
> bless S and J for editing my shit. thanks for suffering through this with me.
> 
> and thank you, lovely reader, for reading this mass of 9k words I have accumulated.


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